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Falling for Your Boss...



          A friend that I had not seen in awhile had come into town to visit me. It was great to touch bases with him for he is one of my closest friends. In fact, he is one of the people that I have based many of my stories that I have written. Actually, these stories have come to fruition because he and I have lived very similar lives and we are very often mistaken to be brothers.

          It is understandable.

          Many people would say that we are vertically challenged. We are both out of shape middle age old duffers fighting hard to lose our middle age spread (and winning for now) but losing our hair and other youthful attributes.

          My friend - like me - is also a former Marine from the Vietnam era whom I had first met during my time in the crotch; and like me he has also retired from government after years of battling our respective evil government agencies.

          Our lives... like many people have been closely aligned with like experiences.

In fact I have used both his and my experiences in life to write several books - One of which is ADVENTURES IN MARINE BIOLOGY - which to my surprise and satisfaction has become increasingly popular, especially behind the former IRON CURTIN.

          I nicknamed him Vincent Lazarus Chimera after a character in my books.

Since both of our first names is in actuality Vincent, when we get together we call each other by our middle names. He calls me Darrell and I call him by his middle name - but for the sake of his privacy, you will know him as Lazarus.

          After the usual chit-chat that most people indulge in as they get reacquainted, Lazarus wanted to talk to be about some serious shit. It involved matters of the heart and worst of all it had to do with his boss.

          Not too long ago, Lazarus had been invited to be part of a fledgling team to work in a new start up division of a very old large and famous company in Seattle. Evidently his boss and her boss had the vision and the courage to develop innovative strategies to help enhance this company's dwindling sales during these tough economic times.

          The plan of these two innovators plan was aggressive, yet simple and straight forward. They wanted to expand from mass mailings and in addition to the internet they wanted to target and serve potential business customers face-to-face. In the words of Bill Gates, they were going to use "The High Tech, Low Tech Approach.

          What does this all have to do with my friend falling for his boss you may ask?

Good question, and I will tell you.

          As it turns out, my friend's new boss is a mature woman in her early to mid-forties and in my opinion a decade in which many women are at their best.  Even we were in our twenties, both of us preferred women in their thirties and forties. According to Lazarus she certainly fits into this category. 

          As he spoke of his boss, it occurred+ to me that in all the years I have known him, I have never seen him so animated, so passionate... so emphatic as he extolled the virtues of his attractive boss.  To my recollection not even his former fiancÚ  - also an extraordinary beauty with loads of intelligence and personality to boot had seem to inspire him to such a fever.

          Curious, I was eager to get a physical description of the source of his boundless admiration.

           "What does she look like?"

            His face clouds in thought, "Well normally I tend to prefer redheads, but I have to say she is the most attractive brunette I have ever met."

           "Really? The most attractive brunette? I have to say, your ex was one of the most beautiful brunettes I have ever known. More attractive than Matilja? That my friend is really saying something!

           He stammered and stuttered. He looked perplexed as if he is trying to explain something mystical or any number of mysteries in our Universe that none of us fully understand. "Well... yes, I mean no, I mean... well, ah, in a sense she is not as beautiful as  Matilja... at least not physically.

          But... ah, he sighs in exasperation, she... she... she is just wonderful!

In a tumble of words he rushes on, "There is just something about her that makes her even more beautiful than any woman I have ever met. Shit! To be honest, there are so many things about her that makes her so, so..., he hands gesture open and out telling me he is at a loss for words.

             It occurred to me at that moment that I had never seen my friend at such a loss for words. I had never seen him so exalted, so vulnerable. His manner stirred up niggling feelings of some memory distant; or even perhaps some memory recent?

          I was also curious as to why he had fallen into such a state for one particular woman. In his day, before he and his ex-fiancÚ got together, before he was middle age, balding and out of shape, and though never conventionally handsome he still managed to be quite the ladies man.

         I suppose that the main reason for this was that despite having more than his share of beautiful women -  physical beauty was never his main criteria for finding a woman attractive and I think women could sense this in him.

          So what was it about this woman that held my friend so enthralled?

          Evidently he has fallen for what some people liked to call - 'A total package."

          Honest to God, that is what Lazarus had said!

          "A total package? Really? I must say Laz, I am not sure if I've ever met a total package. Shit, that sounds like a lot of pressure for someone to carry around with them... being a total package and all."

          Lazarus stammered and stuttered once again. If I had not been his friend and known that this was uncharacteristic of him, I would have laughed at his stumbling.

          His face burns bright, I can tell he is a little pissed at my skeptics viewpoint.

          "Look Darrell, it is not that she is only a damn attractive woman in the typical sense, she has so many other qualities that makes her the most well rounded and competent person I have ever met."

          "As well rounded as Neo?" (A mutual friend of ours I had given that nickname twenty-eight years prior).

           "Not in the way you mean... but more than any normal woman I have ever know."

             "Okay, so she is all around awesome. You piqued my curiosity. For starters, tell me how she looks.

             His eyes seem to look inward and faraway as he sets himself to describe the woman that he has claimed to be the total package.

             "If you saw her you would definitely find her to be your type. I know you are fond of brunettes. My boss stands about five foot four and she appears to weigh about a hundred and thirty five... really nice proportions... very womanly."

            As he speaks a long distant memory is pushing in the back corners of my mind.

            "She has very muscular athletic legs, When she moves she is grace. She has raven black hair about shoulder length. She dress nicely, very professional... yet, when she dresses down... like a tom boy... she is really something."

           "Hmm... does she have a pleasant face?"

           "Oh my God Darrell, She has the most amazing face... especially her eyes."

           For some odd reason, I start to feel uneasy. "What do you mean?"

           Laz looks as if he is almost in rapture.

           "She has a beautiful peaches and cream complexion, slightly oval face with a well define patricians nose and very dark expressive brows.  She has the most beautiful smile and the most compelling aspect of her face is her eyes. My boss's eyes are extraordinary!

She has very dark heavy lashes and her eyes are dark... almost like... like, uh... like luminous liquid obsidian. They way she laughs is so infectious and right from her heart. Her laugh is so feminine and musical.

           His description of his boss jars me! I am reminded of someone from my distant past. I feel bittersweet pain and I longing I cannot fully describe or define to myself.

           "My boss can be tough, but her eyes radiate warmth, compassion, patience. She seems to be a very perceptive woman with a deep well of love."

            I was startled to hear what Lazarus had just said!

            "Love!? Did I hear you correctly? Did you in fact use the word love... the big friggen L-word?"

           He goes into another of his uncustomary fit of stuttering and stumbling and his face is hot with embarrassment - like a thirteen year old boy caught in the egregious act of having deep feelings for a mere girl; and with the added fear that once his feelings now exposed, so raw - leaves him vulnerable to both rejection and ridicule by both his schoolmates and the girl he professes such abominable feelings.

           I was taken back by his assertion that his boss possessed a deep well of love... because in fact, for many years Laz and I have admitted to each other that we have an almost deep hatred for the "L" word - in my opinion the most despicable, most dangerous and misused word in the human language.

           When ever  I take the time to share this with others I often hear them voice both shock and outrage.

           "Really? Despicable? Dangerous? Honestly? Is that how you really feel?"

           My fundamentalist Christian friends often fall into a fit of apoplexy whenever I mention this as do my various friends who adhere to any number of spiritual disciplines. "Jesus teaches that we should all love one another, they often counter! Don't you believe in Jesus?"

           "Okay, okay.... I am  being more than a bit melodramatic and I am exaggerating more than a little, and yes I do believe in Jesus. But honestly, the way people misconstrue or worse willfully misuse the "L" word... the results too often than not have despicable and unfortunately can have dangerous consequences.

           The "L" word comes with many inherent problems. The word is too vague, too subjective, too broad and too deep. Problems happen when people use the word as carelessly as loggers farting at a bake bean binging fest.

          Too many people use the word Love as a form of manipulation to ensnare or contain or to engender feelings of obligation or commitment without any merit to do so beyond the profession of this blunt instrument.

          I want to weep whenever I think of the legions of men and woman who put so much importance on a word that they cannot clearly define - and yet use it as a tool so handily as any cracker-jack dental hygienist picking plague off needy teeth. I cannot adequately express the contempt or even the hatred I feel for the people who profess love to the people they so often abuse with lies, neglect, infidelity, and even violence.

          Some may think that after my rant I never use this terrible word. The fact is, I am no different than an atheist that often slips up and blurts out, Thank God, or Oh my God, or in the worst scenario for the love of God.

          All of this has been a source of irritation for likes of people like me and Lazarus.

         "I must say Laz, you sound like a school boy caught up in crush over a woman merely because she is physically compelling. This is not like you."

          Laz sighs and looks angry, embarrassed and frustrated.                 

         "No... no, it is not like that at all! Look, how many years have you known me?"

         "About thirty-five years."

          "Have you ever known me to be enthralled with any woman simply because of physical appearance?"

           "No... and you have found many beautiful women to be uninspiring because  - aside from good sex they could not hold your interest."

           "That's right. Now think Darrell, how many times have some of our coworkers and friends given both of us shit because we have on occasion dated homely and even metabolically challenged women?"

           "I laugh hard at the memories - more times than I can count."

           "And why do we sometimes find some homely women attractive?"

           "Because those woman had qualities that kept us interested in them... because we simply like what we like and because the hell with what other people think."

           "Yes, the hell with what other people think... even friends, coworkers or family will not sway us in matters of the heart. But how can you really know that your feelings for your boss goes beyond the physical? I mean you have only know her for a short time and work is not usually a place where you can get to really know your boss - especially in the short time you told me you've worked for her."

           "Yes I know. The only thing I can figure is that she runs a small group of us, me and a handful of wonderful women. We have all been working together pretty intensely - practically every waking moment. We have all opened up to each other in the brief time we have been working closely in this new division. "

           "Sort of like Prisoners of war kept in close confines, I muse."

            "Your infatuation with your  boss is still perplexing... you been with other women that have been been beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, funny.... what makes her so special? You aren't using the "L" word... so what can it be?"

             He looks helpless and his mute as he searches for words.

             It was at that moment as I pondered the mysteries and the possibilities of the "L" word my mind wandered back into time twenty-six years prior to a conversation I had had with Neo in my gym after hours.

            It was then I had confronted Neo on whether true love actually existed or not.

In that conversation, we talked of Dr. M. Scott Peck's opinion on what Love really is.

It was Dr. Peck's assertion that too many people misunderstand the word love or truly did not understand love. He also noted that too many people do misuse the word whether on  purpose or because they are misguided.

           He did says that if you want to use the word love, you must specify what type of love it is. He describes the love that men and women have for their children; the love that Jesus and some people are capable of feeling for their fellow man  or humanity in general;

he talked of the love that some of us have for God or of the creative force; he acknowledged platonic love, Arthurian love when a man or woman treat each other gallantly and with principal and virtue; erotic love and of course self-love.

          With this said, Dr Peck states, that love is hard to quantify, but his best definition of love is when a person puts another person's or peoples well being and spiritual growth ahead of or at least on level with their own needs and desires. It has to do with sacrifice which in fact is what Jesus taught.

          I pondered all of this as I bring my attention back to Lazarus.

          "You asked how I know that my depth of admiration for my boss goes beyond her physical beauty."

          "Yeah... okay."

          "Let me say that my boss is indeed beautiful, no question, but the fact is she is in her forties and there is no denying that small signs of aging are starting to show. Just like we could in our forties see the road of our physical decline... I can also see hers. I have to say, this does not bother me in the least. She has so many qualities about her that transcend mere physical beauty.

          "Such as?"

          "She is hyper-intelligent; she is extraordinarily competent, she is passionate, she is open honest and compassionate. She is spiritual, even a devout Christian and not like many of those stuffy fundamentalist we keep bumping into. She is creative and an innovative problem solver. She has an incredible work ethic and she is ambitious.

           "My boss is also an incredible leader and is not afraid to roll up her sleeves and work along side us when she has to."

            "Ah... a leader that leads from the front instead of mismanaging from the rear how rare, how refreshing."

            "She is also a very loyal and stand up person... very loyal to her family, friends, coworkers and the people under her direction.

            Knowing what Laz and I had gone through in our lives - especially in the past ten years - I knew that loyalty and stand-up was one of the attributes that both he and I found most valuable and appealing in any given individual.

           "She sounds like a fascinating person. I think she would be quite something to know."

           "She is so much more, he whispered."

           It was then that I felt worried for my friend. Why you may ask? Because it was then that I sensed that his view of her may possibly go beyond mere admiration and affection and it was my fear that this could prove to be his undoing. It was because quite simply she was his boss and what is necessary to fulfill most men and women can rarely happen in a boss/employee role regardless of who is of what sex.  

          Memories of a past liaison haunted the back corners of my mind. I wanted to know more. "Tell me how much more, I said with concern."

          "Well for starters, just give you a bit more of a seqway what kind of person I am dealing with - she is pull-herself-up-by-the-bootstraps type of person. She has faced more adversity all her life than most people and yet, she has avoided the trap of the self-pitying victim."

          "What sort of crap has she gone through?

          "I'm sorry Darrell, but there were many things that she as shared with me in confidence and you know how I am about keeping confidences. "

            I did indeed, Laz and I also share in common that trait as well.

            "She is a take life by the throat kind of gal and what I really admire about her is that she has the knack of accepting and admitting her strengths and talents and she simply does not fall into the bullshit facade of false modesty. I really admire the fact that she is very direct with what she is feeling or thinking nor is she shy about what her expectations are of herself and others. And because of this a lot of people would go beyond and do what any normal employee would not do. She just has that ability to inspire people to reach further and farther than they are normally accustom.

           "Well it stands to reason Laz, as I said, leaders like your boss are rare. That is why when a General Patton, or Chesty Puller, or an Attilia the Hun or an Alexander the Great comes along many more people are inspired to live and die by the side of someone who puts their all, their life into any given mission."

           I sat back and pondered this fact and I could not help but think about Jesus and how those closest to him denounced him - denounced the Son of God to save their scurvy hides or less dramatically - how Lazarus and I were used as political footballs and set up fall guys by our respective Unions and coworkers especially after the death of our friends.

           "Laz breaks into my morbid reverie, "You ought to see how people are around her Darrell, they just love being in her company - they are like moths drawn to a light - and I must say her light shines bright.

           As I sat across the table from my friend, sipping my coffee, I could not help but notice that he was talking about his boss as he was the proudest parent bragging about their child, or like a child who thinks his mom or dad are just the best on the planet, or like a person protective and admiring of a close friend  or lover....

           I sat there and I took all this in and I ached for the both of them. As my Dad was fond of saying, "Sometimes I can see around corners jitterbug!" meaning he could see the machinations of people's agenda's even when other could not. I could plainly see what was probably going on in her life with her insofar as to how other people view or treated her. I could see that she was likely the type of person who was like a beacon of light and people around her were drawn to her light like moths to a flame. I knew the age old story of betrayal. When the time came and when the shit hits the fan - most of the moths would fly away to save their own shabby wings: only a few would be true enough to bask in the warmth of a person that burns so brightly.

          "You know Laz, she sounds like the type of person that engenders a lot of mixed feelings from other people and I'd be willing to bet in the chaos of peoples' emotions jealousy and resentment is likely to top the list."

          "A flash of anger consumes his face. "Yeah and that flipping pisses me off!"

          I was startled by Lazarus' violent outburst of emotion, I know he very protective of people he cares about, it was that it has been so many years since I have seen him so angry; not since the avoidable death of a few workmates and friends.

          "She's under a lot of stress a lot of adversity... isn't she?"

          "Darrell, with the exception of your mother Hellon, she is the strongest woman I have ever met and yet I can tell it is hard on her. And though she may not admit it, when people talk bullshit about her or try to undermine her I feel that it hurts her and I can't help but hurt with her."

           I was feeling my friend's misery.

           "Something else that I sense about her...."

           Laz is struggling for words, is face is filled with a mixture of emotions warring with each other. "Though is the most competent and fearless woman I have ever met, I can sense that down deep that sometimes she is more than a little bit afraid."

          "She would be a flipping idiot if she did not feel fear Laz... with greater intelligence comes grater perception of what the world brings. I think Wagner said it best - Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it."

          "For all her gaiety, her strength, her indomitable spirit, I think I can... I feel that down deep she is lonely."

           I can see around corners.

             "I can tell that she is use to doing everything in life by herself and though she is better at it than most people, I can see how all of that likely makes her feel alone, tired and I can imagine at times a little bit scared."

            There is misery on his face and something else. He struggles to say more, he struggles for emotional foothold.

             "When people hurt her, or when I sense these things I feel she keeps buried... I... I just want to hold her, to comfort her, to tell her that she is not alone, to tell her that I am here."

            I ached for my friend. The corners are gone, I see everything straight ahead and I can't help but hurt for both of them.

           "She needs some one like her... some one as loving, some one as spiritual, some body that will actually listen to her and help pull the weight of life with her, to help her up when she is down, to hold her when she is hurting, to laugh with her and to enjoy life's adventures with her during the good and bad times. It saddens me that she has not found such a man. It saddens me that she may think that I don't have much to offer."

             The corners are gone.

             His distaste for the "L" word aside, my friend Laz had fallen and fallen hard.

             "Laz, my friend... all of us wishes for such a mate... especially people like your boss, people like you and me. It is most of all a terrible burden for people that are high functioning across the board. As loyal and standup as you and I are... we suffer the same thirst, the same hunger as she and as you and I have found out - there is no nourishment for the soul to be had from normal people. When a person like your boss or like you or me, or like Phoenix tries to satiate their needs with an ordinary person... the hunger becomes harder to bear. The knowledge of the disparity between us and others becomes greater and people like us feel even more apart, more alone."

           It is inevitable.

           He looks bleak.

           "I wish she knew what I have to offer her. I don't think she believes that I have plenty to offer and a willingness to be there for her."

            "Laz, in the ways that matter, if our life was back on course, - we both have plenty to offer."

            "Come on Darrell.... since our battle with the government, our life has been a mess. We no longer have the wealth we once had and it has been a struggle for you and I to get the entirety of our lives back on track. Shit from what I can see, you and I are not quite there yet. You know the drill, most women... for all their talk are not  much interested in a guy who is not well-heeled.

            Now it was my turn to feel bleak.

            "We've talked about this... both of us will be back in about a year."

              "A year! Shit! From many women's perspective what kind of offer is that? It is not right to offer promises in our situation.... it is not enough."

              I pondered what he had said. I understood where he was coming from. I wrestled with the same troubles.

              "Okay....let me say this - when you get back on track I think you have much to offer in any relationship. Let's face it, though you and I don't like to use the "L" word,  by any person's standards you are Loving in the Arthurian sense; you are one of the most loyal people I know, despite your heartache these past ten years you still care for humanity, you strive to be virtuous and principled, and though with a few exceptions been a monk these past few years... with the right woman you are not romantically selfish.

             "Besides Laz, if she is the half the incredible woman you paint her to be.... competent and self-sufficient - I willing to bet that does not matter as much to her as it does to you. She probably would just be grateful to meet a person who wants and does go the extra distance to do what is necessary.

             He had a glimmer of hope in his eyes and this pained me ever more to tell him what I must.

            "Your fear of not having enough to offer her is not the problem, though clearly any man with sense would want to work hard to measure up to such a woman. No there are other obstacles that are even more daunting.

             "What would they be?"

             "She is your boss and you are under her employee. It takes a rare couple that can survive that relationship. Business partnerships with such a woman would be one thing but your situation is fraught with perils. It would be less of a problem if you made the same wages and worked as a gas station attendant. I see that potentially there is a dual problem with your current situation."

             "What would they be?"

             "She is your boss in a company where she likely has many bosses - that can be problematic. She likely as you mentioned endures lots of stress and that stress can blow over into your day to day interactions - even in unconscious ways. Stress at work can wear down budding relationships like water wears a rock. Even granite blocks over time will turn into a pile of gravel from running water. Sometimes the association of the stress at work will create emotional distances between people and that my friend is bad."

              "I think you may be too close too often in an environment that is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Relationships need closeness and often, but with conditions that foster an environment of equal and mutual helpfulness."

           He looked hopeful as I ached for both him and his boss.

           Suddenly, an epiphany strikes me.

           "Have you asked her out?"

           "Why would you asked that? You know I have never asked out any of my coworkers. You and I have talked about this - very often bad things come from such relationships.

           I sense he is being evasive... trying to redirect me with generalizations and I say as much to him.

          He looks a little shy and he smiles and tries to mock a look of contrition. "Yes... I have done what I have sworn that I would never do. I swore I would never put myself into jeopardy and date a coworker."

         "Ha! Hell no! You don't mess around with measly coworkers, oh no, not you... you  go right to the top and try to score with the boss!"

         I laugh long and hard. Laz laughs but with his aw shucks what else is a guy suppose to do look on his face.

         "I couldn't help myself Darrell, If you only knew her - you'd understand."

         "I must admit she does sound like quite the catch, but knowing you I'm still surprised and even perplexed that you went for her. What made you do it?"

          "He is struggling over a situation that is ironically complex and yet should be simple.

          "Lots of reasons Darrell. You know all of the qualities she has that I admire?"        

           "Yes, for starters, according to you, she is beautiful and sexy, hyper-intelligent, educated and multi-talented, strong, direct. self-reliant, warm, compassionate, engaging, comedic and passionate."

           "You're right, that is only for starters."

           "Well... what else then?"

            "You and I are suckers for women that are intelligent and educated... right?"

            "Yeah, have been all my life."

            "Me to. But my boss has certain qualities of personality or a force about her that transcends all of the attributes that I admire in people. Though she is hyper-intelligent - to her it is only one of her power tools that she takes pleasure in using,  unlike most people she does not suffer from false modesty, nor does brag or take pride in her gifts. She simply will state an obvious - such as ' I am intelligent' with no more pride than most people would state a fact such as 'I am human.'  When she speaks of her education and multi-talents, she will state with a smile and with no more arrogance than a master carpenter will state, I have a wide array of tools and many skills."

           "No doubt a lot of jealous bastards would love to see her get a brain virus and suffer diminished capacity."

          "I'm afraid you are right. Yet to her, all that she possesses she would simply say 'it is what it is."

           "If she were to get a brain virus and lose her acuity, I would still feel the same about her. If she fumbled a bit or for whatever reason lost some or her self-reliance - I would still feel the same for her. If she got fat and lost her hair and suffered a double mastectomy - I would still feel the same about her. I would still feel intensely attracted to her. IShe has a quality of personality that and at her core a deeply loving nature and joy, though she can be a tough customer and sometimes tries to hid it - but she can't - even when she gets mad, it is there simmering threatening to bubble forth.

            "Darrell... she just has this most amazing and beautiful spirit, and when she is around me I feel as if my chest will explode from joy... from  longing. When she comes near me to teach me a new task, I have trouble concentrating, I swear I think my blood pressure reaches dangerously high levels. I tried to hide all this from her - I think I do a pretty good job at it."

           "Let me get this straight. You've asked her out and you try to hide all that you have told me from her?"

            "Well yes. I mean, I don't want to put her on the spot in front of my coworkers. I don't want to embarrass her. Besides, the company may have some weird policies against such stuff and you know how people love to gossip. I just don't want to take the chance of creating any problems for her.

          "Wow, I don't know what to say."

          "So you see, I couldn't help it. I just had to ask her out."

          "Tell me, why didn't you wait for a more reasonable length of time to make your play?"

          "For many good reasons. Women like her are rare. Someone like her you just don't run into very often." It is more likely that Ralph Nader will win the next Presidency or become a corporate gunslinger than anyone meeting a woman such as she.

          Yes my friend is right, women like that are rare - as are men; although I have learned that they are not as rare as we are lead to believe. I wanted to tell him this and share with him my new insights and tell him about some of the people that I have met in the past year.

           He cuts me off before I can tell him.

           "Darrell I have to confess.... I asked her out more than once."

            "Oh Shit, this puts a whole new perspective on this matter."

             "Go ahead, I'm listening."`

            "It's simple, I thoroughly enjoy her company. As you know, since Matilja and I split - I had lost all interest in dating. I just did not have the emotional endurance for it.

I do love the company women however, and like you I am blessed with more than my share of female friends. And as you know, many of our friends are always trying to set us up.

            I nodded and encouraged him to unload.

            "I've recently got into dating - just within this year - and I sometimes have fun."

            "Have you become sexually active again?
            "No... and who would have believed that I would ever be capable of abstaining?"

            I could guess his reasons but I wanted to hear it from his mouth.

            "Why have been living like a monk.?"

            "Because I no longer want to waste my time with women that offer nothing but sex

             I knew how he felt as I have also come to that place in my life.

             "Yes but it is still nice to go dancing with a date and hang out them and have a meal. It not like you're required to have sex with them. You're under no obligation to do that as they are under none to provide that for you. Just take it light and simply enjoy their energy."

             "That's what I had been doing... that is until I have gotten to know my boss."

             "Really.... and why is that? I thought you were not interested in getting into a relationship again."

             "Yes that's right, since Matilja I have not desired to ever get involved. Frankly I thought that the possibility of ever meeting anyone who could meet my criteria was nill ... that was until I met my boss. "

             "Are telling me you want to just jump in and get hooked up with her?"

              "What I am saying is that until I met her, I didn't think I would ever be open to the possibility and I am at a place in my life that want to feel more than a physical attraction, I want to make love and to be in love with a woman with whom I feel connected to in the various ways that I think are important.

             I listening to him, nodding my head once again in encouragement.

             "I never dreamed that I would ever meet a woman of such consequence - a woman so remarkable. This is why I was compelled to ask her out more than once. "

            The corners are gone.

             "Has she responded in a positive way?

             He looks troubled and a little bit hurt.

             "It's hard to say with her."

             "Listen my friend.... you need to give her space. I would imagine a woman like her is just being cautious - just as you have been cautious in the past. "

             "I've been cautious. If she was not my boss I'd be much more assertive, but I am concerned that her situation is delicate, so I am not near as assertive as I would be. It's just so damn frustrating to know that women like her rarely exists, I will never find anyone like her."

              He frustration brings forth memories and a variety of feelings -  bittersweet, wondrous... even inspiring.

              "Laz... I know you're feeling pretty bleak, I know that you think that their is no one on the planet like your boss."

               He nods.

               "The fact is, though women like your boss are rare, the are more people out there than you can imagine."

               He gets angry.

               "Oh yeah! Like who for example!"

               Three woman instantly come to my mind.

               "My mother was such a woman." A young lady I have recently met name Rachael seems to be pretty remarkable and I can tell that her man realizes the catch that he has. I've told you about Mrs. Klarc - my eighth grade math teacher and since you know I am not one to be outdone.... my boss is a great example that women such as your boss are out there running around.

               He looked at me as if I told him I possessed the Rosetta Stone.

               "You have a boss that is such a woman?"

               His voice had the tone of defiant challenge and disbelief.

               I laugh at the thought that here we were - two friends - acting like sailors each of bragging and ready to defend the fact that it was our Skipper and our ship that were the best in the fleet.

              For his own good I had to give him the facts about my boss - to prove to him that there are indeed other remarkable women that walked the planet.

              I had to share with Laz that his description, especially the physical description of his boss is almost word for word how I would describe the way my boss and Mrs. Klarc look - the only exception is that Mrs. Klarc had beautiful emerald eyes - not to mention that she was the first woman to break my heart.

              It was as if Laz had been citing physical description of twins or rather triplets.

              Not to be out done and to let him know that I too have met a remarkable woman who possessed so many great qualities and a goodness of heart. I told him how she had even taken the time to teach me a bit of Excel and encourage me to keep applying myself to the task.

             Not to be outshone... I too bragged about how compelling her eyes are and how many of the men I work with are captivated by her charm, her wit, her humor. I told him how funny it was that most men had trouble looking her in the eye while I found that I often have trouble breaking my gaze from hers... eyes where which you can lose yourself.

            She is remarkable and it does not take a rocket scientist to realized that any man would be lucky to have her as a partner to share laughter, to face life's burdens together.

           Laz looks at me in wonder.

           "Darrell, it sounds like you are more than a little enamored by your boss."

           I smile.

          "It's not my fault. What man or woman in their right mind would not admire such a person? Let's look at it logically. I am enamored with many of my friends, both male and female. Being enamored with someone does not necessary carry sexual connotations, although it can. It is the truest base with which to build a friendship. it is the highest form of admiration and respect that you can give a person. There is no harm, it is what it is.

          "Besides, she does make work a hellva lot nicer place to be, who needs a 401k when she and my teammates are there. I even don't mind working over time or extra days - she is a joy to be around. That's my whole point Laz, some people do make you consider for the first time the possibility that relationships can be rewarding; and though these people are not as rare as you think... and they should never be taken for granted."

        "What are you going to do?"



         I looked at my friend trying to figure out what was safe to tell him, what I had been struggling with. Should I tell him that I understood his dilemma all too well, that I had also fell for my boss? He knew that I had actually done what he had and only once in my entire life - and she had only been a coworker - not exactly as risky as asking out ones boss.

       Should I tell him that I also asked more than once? Not on a formal date of course - just an invitation to hang out over coffee and conversation. She was pleasant and polite about it all - something about bosses are not allowed to cross that line. Not to be deterred I made a pitch that it was just two adults that could keep things in perspective and remain professional. She laughed gaily, politely and to her credit she made no promises she did not lead me on.

       I wanted to tell Laz all of this and tell him that despite no misleading words from her I still could not help myself, I still made overtures of coffee and conversation He has known me for years. He knows me as well as Phoenix and Neo... he knows that I have been with more women than I care to count or admit. He knows that I have been with my share of beautiful intelligent women.. many as beautiful as she; but none more compelling, none more fascinating, none with all those qualities and yet down to earth, none more genuine. Should I tell him that she is like no other woman that I have ever met? Do I tell him that I too had it bad?

         How could I break to my friend that I had some serious issues going on in my life that kept me from pursuing her with consistent vigor?  How does a person explain to anyone how ambiguous they feel towards wanting to be close, that I wanted to connect, I feared to connect.

         Would he believe that for the first time in my adult life I lacked the full confidence to move forward and make my intentions known?

         No... it was doubtful that he would believe that I was faltering. How could he know without being privy to the issues bearing down on me - crippling my will to power.

         It would be hard for Lazarus to understand. Ever since our time in the Marines all he has known is a guy that moves forward towards any goal with complete confidence of getting the job done; or during those few incidences - despite danger and fear - pushing ahead regardless.

         The person he knows has thumbed his nose at the Postal Service, the Justice Department and his former Union - in the defense of his friends and damn the consequences! The man he has seen in action had said fuck it to the lawyers that bailed out- framing on his own a petition of En Banc to the Ninth Circuit Court and a Writ Certiorari to the United States Supreme Court three times in search for Justice; petitions framed so well that his former attorneys were convinced that another attorney had done the petitions on the sly.

        The Darrell he as grown accustomed to walking boldly into the Senate Building in Washington D.C. seeking audience with each of our Nations Senators with an attitude of "Yo Mr. Wyden, Mr. Gordon, Mr. Hatch... how's it hanging? Listen I got a beef with youse guys!" His friend that kept going forward into the House of Representatives until three Capitol Hill Policemen carted him away into a little room without windows for daring to do what they warned him against doing.

         How could my friend understand that this person had been reduced to feeling exalted from a friendly hello from his boss one day, only to feel anxiety and desolation from her cheerful "How are you?", on another day?

         How could my friend Lazarus know the whys and whatfors without knowing the terror I had been struggling quell for several months.

         I wanted to tell him. I couldn't tell him.

         Instead, I tried to be nonchalant and play the whole subject of falling your boss cavalier. I tried to divert him back to his issues his boss.


         "Me? I'm not sure. I don't think it is ever a good idea to rush into things or force things no matter how sexy or intelligent or beautiful or compelling a person may be."

         "Anyway your getting off the subject, we were talking about you and your situations. If you want my advice Laz, I think it is fine, appropriate even to let your boss know that you are interested, but you should respect her privacy, respect her space, her feelings and her needs. "

         "I agree, but it his hard to know exactly what a person's feelings are, or where their boundaries lay or what their needs are - especially if you see them mostly at work."

         "That's why if you truly value her you will take the time and care to get to know her and if she has an brains or any sensitivity she will understand that and no doubt will want to take her time. Honestly Laz, you shouldn't worry that you have to rush in for fear of losing her. Let's face it, men and women who rush into relationships almost always do it for the wrong reasons. They are in a rush to get laid, never giving a thought to the other important attributes that the other person has, or they are lonely and desperate to get into a relationship and their loneliness and desperation usually misguides them into making wrong decisions.  Your boss and the women that I have met that are in your boss's league do not strike me as falling into either of these groups."

         Lazarus' face is clouded - digesting what I had just told him.

         "Look Laz, just be yourself and simply be her friend.... there a lot of things that you and she and other people can do together as friends. If it is meant to be - she will let you know. Don't sweat it, simply be open and honest about your feelings and simply care for her for who she is."

         Easy for me to flipping say!

         "What am I going to do?"

          "Just take one day at a time, Be honest about your feelings. I have learned that we should take nothing for granted, especially the people we care about; and we should avoid fostering any expectations on people in our life. We should endeavor to extract as much joy and pleasure from our life and try to share that with people we care about. Besides, be happy in the fact that there are more people than you think like the women we know. In the meantime, I suggest you try to go out with some of your female friends and dance do and all the things that men and women who are friends do."


          I am feeling uneasy with all my talk about being honest while I hid my fears and feelings from everyone I know. Sure, the advice I give Laz is sound - but due to circumstances in my life - advice I ignored.


          Laz looks at me glum.

          "I have trouble doing that ever since I met my boss. Women whose company I once enjoyed have no flavor for me anymore."

          No corners - I knew just how he felt.

          It hits me like a ton of bricks, my friend and I have both been ruined.

          I understood where he was coming from.

          Women like his boss, my boss, Mrs. Klarc and other magnificent woman tend to do that to men. It's not their fault. They never lead men on, nor do they ever act inappropriately. They just can't help it, they do it because they simply exist.

          These women unbeknownst to them, their very existence inspires profound changes in the people within their sphere of influence. Sometimes good, sometimes bad - but always ruinous.

          The first time it happen to me was in eighth-grade.





WARNING!  Many of the Stories I write have often been altered to protect the innocent and guilty and to insure the privacy of both the remarkable and not so remarkable people that have inspired me to write about the many life lessons I have learned from them.  The names of people, places or business and even sequences in time have been changed - If I mention them at all - for their protection and privacy and any resemblance to any person, place or thing is likely just coincidental. I write to merely share what I have experienced, what I think and feel of such experiences and events of which we share in common that most of us face in our lives.

Take everything I say with a healthy block of salt.


"What I write about is not necessarily the truth or a lie - it is simply what I know."





Other Stories that touch on the subject of love are:

Neo Talks About Love and Romance - A story from my Book 'VINCE'S GYM'





One Primate's Search for Intelligent Life: (GENESIS)



One Primate's Search For Intelligent Life (EXODUS)



One Primate's Search For Intelligent Life (REVELATIONS)



One Primate's Search For Intelligent Life (JUDGMENT DAY)









His Version of The Matrix





A Yogic & Scientific Approach To Weight Lifting



The First Matrix of Psychic Phenomena



The Yogic & Scientific Approach To Movement








most people talk bullshit



























































































































































































































































































































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